Everyone who hits the hustle road from Monday to Saturday, and they only have Sundays as a free day to them, will agree with me, what a holiday, especially a holiday that falls on a Monday, means to them.
Flashback, during our college days, perhaps we are all naive and nervous, we clear college with 1001 expectations. I can remember, my last day in college, was filled with lots of pride and expectations, for one, being a graduate of commerce, I saw myself working in a bank, driving a posh car and always dressing in clean suits and shiny shoes. In fact, in my mind, I had already seen myself getting hooked up to some yellow-yellow light-skin lady who was going to be the mother to my two beautiful kids, a boy and girl.
I was already falling in love with some unknown imaginary beauty queen, who was going to parade this banker (Pete) on her social media pages with captions such as #Bae, #MyDailyMCM, #SlayingWithBae etc., you all know those pride filled screaming hash tags, that will never give us peace on Facebook and especially on Instagram. One question, the owners of this hash tags have never answered, is, what happens on those days we suddenly wake up to cleaned up timelines with all pics of slaying with bae, deleted and instead, we are greeted with inspirational quotes such as "Life has taught me to be independent", "Only God Can judge me" and "All men are the same?"
Game short. I was a graduate of commerce, yes, and the reality of life didn't even wait for at least a month to pass before it struck me that I was a man, a man who was on his own, no more allowances from parents, a graduate who was left with only two options. Either remove the gown of pride, hit the hustle road and pay my bills or pack up my stuff and go to the village to store my degree certificate safely where rats and cockroaches could not eat it up as I become a village hero and waste away.
I chose the former, the rest is history, but more importantly, that is why I am speaking with those of you who understand the value of a holiday falling on a Monday, after a Monday to Saturday work hustles, with only a free Sunday. The free Sunday is not even free, it is split between Church, house chores, hanging out with friends and at times rushing home to say hi to your parents and family. Ideally, even the free Sunday, is no longer free, it's more of Monday to Saturday work load, dumped into one day. The only difference here is, the type of work eating you up on the two sets of days. Maybe it's time employers, put more consideration into "Work life balance" come up with policies, to enable their employees to have free time for family and other personal activities.
Back to my free Monday. It happened we had a free Monday due to an Idd ul Fitr holiday, Oh Lord, such holidays are best days in the calendar, it's a day to idle around, maybe indoors, catch up on some latest movie series or visit some friends. On this free Monday, I decided I wanted some me time. Just stay indoors and catch up on some movies. It never happened, I receive a call from some buddies, to go out and fit on some suits from our designer, a friend was getting married and we were part of the groom.
It's a Monday, I am not hitting the hustle road, Its a holiday, without even a second a thought, I pick my open shoes, take a boda off I go, very unkempt, most of us were. I guess it's more of a trend to look very unkempt on holidays, for anyone engaged through out the week and you have to look sharp and clean shaven for the public. We fit the suits, they all look good, then we hit the road, to some unknown destination.
Unknown to me, one of us was visiting the saloon. Yes, the saloon and not the barber shop. I didn't know we were visiting the saloon, what were we to do in a saloon yet we were all male? I have never been to a salon, I only visit my barber in his shop. I decided to play a long and see what men do in a Saloon. Ladies and gentlemen, we are now inside the saloon, very well equipped, beautiful ladies all around, with high etiquette. Hi Tim, where do we begin from today? Manicure? Pedicure? facial? one of the ladies asks, chatting casually with Tim who was one of us, who led us to this place.
Long story short, Tim spent close to four hours being worked on. Yes, four clean hours, with a beehive of the saloon ladies working on him. The legs, toe nails, the hands, finger nails, the face, the head, the hair, name them. "Bro uko sure kabisa, hi si umama?" I asked loudly, as everyone else in the salon laughed loudly, "No, No, No, ... now, this is what we call taking care of your body" Tim replied. Peter, you will never understand this, till you hang around this cool kids, Ken who was also part of us told me. Dan, in the meantime, had also decided, he wanted the umama, and was equally being worked on. So we were four us, Tim and Dan being worked on, as Ken and I were forced to patiently experience the "Umama Phenomena" as it unveiled.
Tim who was listening to our conversation chipped in and said, look, guys, you say, what you wanna say, but I will still visit this place. To which I replied, umekubali uko na umama?, "hata kama ni umama or he -mother, I will still visit this place. And that is how the word "He Mother" was coined
That evening, I was sharing with Bessie (Readers of this blog know who Bessie is) and telling her how I was made to spend four hours in a salon. So I tell her how surprised I was to discover that men spend that long in a Saloon, to which she asks me, Pete, what do you think, "I think it's weird Bessie, how would a man spend four hours in a Saloon? ...whatever you say, Pete, a man must look good she said looking deeply into my eyes...so you want me to become a he-mother like Dan and Tim? No, you do whatever you wanna do but make sure you look good.
So, Who is a he-mother? A he-Mother is a dude living in the female world with a lifestyle akin to that of the girl child. A he-Mother is a boy child, who wanna live and enjoy the niceties, the girl child enjoys.
How to spot a he-mother?
- You walk into a restaurant, everyone else is eating using their hands, the he-mother will be there with all the white lap and chest towels all over him as a small child, he will still be struggling with a knife, fork and spoon to eat,
- Still, at the restaurant, the he-Mother will always be making very effective use of all the serviettes, wiping his mouth after each and every bit of their meals,
- He-Mother will always be in the salon for four hours instead of some barber shop for a 30 minutes shaving,
- He-Mothers don't eat meals such as Githeri and sweet potatoes,
- He-Mother will always be out feasting on french fries while real men are on ugali,
- Watch on their fingers nails, if they are glittering, he is a he-Mother,
- Men are not allowed to have a dressing mirror, if you have one, you are a he-mother,
- If you are a dude, and you use more than Vaseline when you wake up every morning, bro you are a he-Mother,
- Any man who can't keep time is a he-Mother,
- A man who walks around with some body lotion or solid body oil is a he-Mother and,
- He-Mothers don't drink porridge.
Remember, there are similarities between He-Mothers and Cool Kids, you will realise some of the characteristics of the He-Mothers highlighted above, are similar to those of Cool Kids. We shall, later on, share on this blog, who Cool Kids are and whether they are useful to the society, or they are kids, who need a serious spanking to awaken them to the realities of life.
Fellow men, are you a He-Mother? a Cool Kid or a Real man?
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